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Snooping: Why We Snoop on our spouses- Women share their intimate thoughts.

listening to these ladies, you’d think your insane for not snooping on your partner’s phone.

Its a calm Friday evening. One of those Fridays one is glad to be home early- just to laze about, replenish and catch up with social media. I’m a member of a ladies only Facebook group. One of the many on Killimani Mums reincarnations on Facebook.

But I find this particular group to be ‘the air that I breath’ as in there, we are sisters who grew up together. Through knee scrapes, acne and now heart breaks. Lots of interesting topics get kneaded here. From home making, parenting, pregnancy, weaning babies, cooking, handling house helps etc.

Of cause there is the odd scandalous scoop on a relationship gone awry-cheating spouses and the like. Today, thankfully on a Friday so no risk of getting late for work, my sisters were onto snooping on your man’s phone: weather to snoop on our spouses phone or not.

Cheating is a multimillion dollar business in the world over. When you consider divorce statistics such as legal fees paid to divorce lawyers, divorce settlements, alimony payments and the likes, it might as well be a billion dollar industry.

If you were to ask our African mothers and fathers, their opinion on snooping on your spouse, they probably would vouch for the “What you don’t know can’t hurt you mantra.” But you see, a relationship is a commitment. While commitment includes respecting your significant other’s privacy, our upbringing as Africans- where the interests of the collective supersede that of the individual- rubbishes such lofty, if western, ideals on privacy.

Besides, in the 21st century where cheating can go on right under your nose-baes constantly beeping phone might be nudes streaming in on WhatsApp- the thought of such wanton humiliation might drive one into regrettable situations. Add to that the fact that relationships in the fast -paced 21st century are an enormous investment in time, then snooping becomes a tempting preposition.

This is in spite of relationship experts revealing the negative psychology and widely available, worthwhile advice on overcoming the urge to snoop.  This is what my sisters had to say on snooping: To snoop or not to snoop.

To snoop or not to snoop on your man’s phone: The dilemma

 

Snooping wisdom: marriages are not held together by passwords not wedding rings

“Why do women keep snooping on their men’s  phones?” an irritated Sandra asks. Though not the first comment in the thread, we start of with Sandra’s dilemma. She breaks it down further simplifying the snoop or not to snoop dilemma:

  1. You have your phone why touch his? Unless it is tit for tat thing where you are returning the favor after he went through your phone. As they say, “In love as in war, all is fair.”
  2. Does going through your man`s phone interfere with his personal space?
  3. What makes you think the man is cheating on you and not with you?
Men Beware! This how you get ensnared! Details on the Art of Snooping
He who makes a bed must lie in it
Snooping is a sophisticated art entailing three stages: The Bait, Layering & The Kill. If Lwanda Magere could not read the intentions of the love of his life who’d been given to him as a token of peace for being such a badass? If Samson couldn’t make out Delillah? Who art thou to resist the charm of a woman? A woman who you yourself chose as the fairest & made her queen?
The Bait
The Bait: A useless token( think of something you won’t ever need such as her ATM pin) will be offered. In exchange, over a period of time, in between kisses, good food and ironed shirts, she will extract the equivalent of your nuclear code: Mobile phone password, Facebook login credentials …the works.
Layering
The Layering: Your get-out-of-home card will be renewed. Football with the boys, Sunday afternoon car wash with a couple of Tuskers to help you ‘think’ and plan for the week ahead….you name it. You will get it. This is the stage where the game gets sophisticated. Think of it this way: Have you ever been at a wedding reception/outdoor barbecue with the boys holding on to your plate, planning how you going to descend on that juicy steak on bone. Then, in swoops a hawk and your left staring at Waru and rice on your plate? Bro, when the time for the  kill comes, you not see it coming.
The Kill
The Kill: My brother, you will not be able to escape this one. Not unless you don’t sh*t, bathe, sleep or get plastered drunk. Heck! depending on the findings of your phone autopsy, you might even wake up to find the phone fully charged!

Here comes Nancy Drew, Inspekta Sikujua, FBI & KGB : The Snooping junkies aka Spouse spies

In spite of Sandra’s hard questions, as expected, the question:  to snoop or not to snoop split the group right in the middle. Those who felt it as right to snoop gave the following reasons:

Making the most of being single again, one lady asserted that snooping is healthy. She snooped on her spouse and found herself single. With nostalgia, she offers that the snooping added another layer to an already toxic situation when she found heartbreaking communication between her stallion and some damsel. They couldn’t get over the broken trust to start the real conversation that would have given the relationship a chance.

One Janet says she has been snooping all her life and is not about to stop. In fact her spouse wonders why FBI haven`t considered her expertise. She is a natural investigator complete with interrogation questionnaires. Janet even has a formula on how to catch a cheater.

HIV/Aids

Vanessa had a more scientific reason for vouching for snooping as a healthy habit. She expressed her fears  over contracting sexually transmitted infections and HIV/AIDS. An adamant Vanessa quipped that the earlier one knew what their spouse was up to, the better. “Always trust your instincts girls,” she added latter on.

One lady in agreement with Vanessa said “I must snoop so that I can know if there are ARVs to be swallowed.” She is aware of the NaSCOP’s categorization of married couples as a group at risk of HIV/AIDS transmission. But believes that the phenomenon of discordance in couples to be a myth.

In a take only explained by Africa’s proud culture of polygamy, another lady revealed the primary reason for snooping. Weirdly, she wishes to know her co-wives. Not only know of them, but meet them and be  regaled by how her bull seduced them. Furthermore, she would like to know if her kids have other siblings out there. Basically, for this lady, no more birthdays, anniversary celebrations without an invite to her to grace the occasion.

What men can do. Women can do better

Sexual freedom remains a pet project for liberal feminists. With perversity of  hedonism (with no consequences) in the 21st century, one partner snooping advocate had an interesting submission. She said if she realized her spouse was cheating on her, she would not leave him. Instead she would join him in the mud and beat him at his own game.

Another one felt snooping would make her know how many other women her spouse is involved with emotionally so that she doesn’t “waste her feelings,” and find a soulmate for herself too.

Meet Nana, Queen of the phone snoop addicts

Can snooping on your spouses phone be addictive? While addiction to phone use is an area of continuing interests to psychologists, psychiatrists, social and behavioral scientists, anecdotal evidence point towards snooping as addictive.

Take the case of Nana who says she will snoop “till she gets to Golgotha.”She believes one should snoop to get additional information about the spouse.

“What if you are living with a thug, a murderer or someone’s husband thinking you are the main squeeze only to realize that you are the side arrangement?” She asks.

Being a veteran of the feild, Nana cautions that: “Those who suffer from high blood pressure should not snoop.” Laughing as she pens off, she is adamant that she “will be snooping till the earth hits a wall.” or “till Jesus comes back!”

“These men are not our relatives! ” Meet the sophisticated snoops. Those using technology to spy on their spouses.

There is snooping on your partner level Nana then there is level Jane and Immaculate who sit at the top of the pyramid. Immaculate has installed several apps to catch cheaters. There are apps on his phone to spy on Facebook, sms, Watsapp and calls. Anything she can. Asked why she snoops, she quips: “These men are not our relatives!”

Jane is one proud snooper. She spies on her spouse with the help of a phone spy tracker that helps her snoop scary details like: dialed calls, conversation length , intricacies like who called who first; exact time of the call, call frequency in a week,when the contact was saved etc. In a case bordering on OCD, Jane also goes through his MPesa statements. Reason? Information is power!

Jane offers that she’s even used a GPS tracking device to do all the above plus checking the mileage covered in his car in the evening! Reason? Vanity is all I can say. Nothing beats a set mind my sisters. Nothing

His phone is an onion

Rose the first mover  in this cohort condenses the general feeling  here:

“I don’t snoop,he doesn’t snoop =Bliss. What you don’t know won’t hurt you right? I don’t like doing things that will tamper with my sanity”. Adding that she definitely doesn’t want to go out looking for trouble.

Another one feels the moment you troll his phone and see something fishy your life will never be the same again. His phone belongs to him and I leave it to him

Our African parents taught us that snooping a man's phone is a no no!

Rose says she  doesn’t snoop. What would be the objective anyway? To read your messages? Why? If to catch you, what if you are the smart cheats that have vault? I don’t snoop.

One other lady testified the way she used to snoop and it drove her insane. Snooping caused her intractable heartache. Here is her story:

Serah, used to snoop, find ‘suspicious’ numbers then send texts warning them to keep of her property. To her dismay, one day she got the rudest shock of her life. “I got a mad one who replied to a text I had sent her with a lecture! She was told me to get busy and build my life and stop wasting time policing Mr.’s phone!”

Needless to say, today even if Sarah’s husband’s phone burst into flames, she wouldn’t touch it. She has stuck to her lane and it is total bliss!

Meet the sensible Selinas

One lady wondered where these snooping women got the time and the  phones to snoop. Reminding the group the need to to respect her spouse’s phone the way they respected their fathers. She respects her man,his phone and his space.

Whilst Selina agreed with the spy masters on the presumed polygamous nature of African men, she cautioned that snooping was not a solution to infidelity. She even wondered why ladies would want to confirm something that will hurt you and break them? She asserts that you can’t change the ways of grown mature beings.

The Negotiators

There was a small proportion of the group who confessed to not  snooping. One offered a solution based on her experience where she categorically stated that she doesn’t snoop, but once in a while unexpectedly she goes through his phone with his permission.

Well, the reasons as to why people snoop are as diverse and interesting as people themselves. To snoop or not to snoop really depends on the parties involved. My most interesting reason? That some people snoop as a hobby.

But that’s not even the clincher!

While researching this article, I came across this UK study whose findings were presented in The Telegraph . According to this study, men are twice as likely (64% to 32%) ‘mobile’ snoop on their partners! Ain’t that something! Next we’ll have to find out men’s thoughts on snooping.

Names have been changed to protect identity

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